Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Unagreeable plan for 3rd year wedding anniversary?!

We had discussed how we spend our 3rd year wedding anniversary. I said "we discuss" but it was sort of pre-decided and my husband is thinking this must be "family event". Nothing wrong with family but for our anniversary?

Family and extended family
As a Japanese (in my generation), we do not have an idea that private family event opens to the extended family,  especially no child couple tend to spend own their own because our society shifted from family based to individual. Even though family is still important unit, our sense - collective identity is slowly diminishing. 

Is it nice? I have no idea. I think it sort of sad, at the same time sort of healthy for me.

On the one hand, it is sad because I do not know much of what my relatives in Japan are doing now. We recognize others(relatives) as a family but we Japanese nowadays have certain distance with them. Especially, my family for some reasons, we are alienated with them. I thank for the technology. I could contact with some of my relatives via SNS. It happened very recently. I wanted to see them often when I was still (bit) young. So our nieces and nephews are so blessed that they could have family gathering time to time. 

On the other hand, I believe that certain distance creates healthy relationships with (extended) family. Certain intimacy makes your life possibly complicated (not always). Some problems extended family member facing is going to be your problem too even though it is surely not yours. It is about how people feel their issues as owns. The reason might be close physical distance and sense of togetherness cultivate intimacy. 

These ideas and notion lead me the conclusion I want to stay with him on that day. We can have family gathering in other occasions. Not in our anniversary.  

Every day is special for us.
Then, he asked me what I want to do. Actually, I do not have much idea how we spend a day because for me, to spend time only two of us is important. This thought was not agreed with him.

He added that everyday is special for us. We eat lunch and dinner together, besides we are only two of us in these time and in our house. He also cited that travel in Europe end of last year after his defense. 

It sounds very romantic. And truly every day is special for us. This sugar courted word is sometime tricky, which effectively stops arguing before I reach the point :D
Besides, in these days and hours, both of us are occupied by something.
Hummmmmm....Better than we quarrel, he is responding this way but it does not makes me happy yet. Is this matter of my compromise? 

Still I want to...
I still need to add why I stick the idea, spending time only with him. During family gathering, he speaks in his mother tongue which I am still difficult to follow and I ended up wondering what is going on. Sometime, important decision is made during mother-tongue talk. I am sometime very offended not being part of this, even though it is related to us as a couple. I experienced many times. 
For argument sake, it is ok it is happening other days. But at least, I argue, in our anniversary, I want to know what is happening and I do not want to be alienated!

And conversation in English is easily interrupted by mother tongue speaker. Surely, I can imagine if we are in the opposite situation-we are in Japan, everyone speaks Japanese. My parents and my brothers do not speak other languages at all. English either other language speakers cannot be priority to be heard. 

Yes, I am making effort to learn his mother tongue but unlike official language Tagalog, there is no books which helps me to learn grammar by myself. I memorize vocabularies when I encounter when I attend sari sari store. Some very kind people are willing to help me to learn these. I am very thankful of their friendship and care. But it is still long way to go. (I hope I and people around me are patient for this.)

Am I still going to be a part of that day?

Yes, but then, my question is  how I still can enjoy and be happy at that day? How can create "win-win"-both happy situation in this conflicting (only in my part) situation. So far, I am still searching this. Difficulties here is my husband did not see this as problem. 

I insist my idea.  How? I can kidnap him from his working place on that day. I am sure he won't be happy. 

When in Rome, do as the Romans do?
I think this is it. I am in his land. I am going to follow what he is practicing. However, I paused here, in our case, another"law" must be applied is respect partner's thoughts and feeling as a couple. 

I am fighting for this event but bottom line is that I have never felt my thoughts are respected and no consultation before the kind of stuff. I ended up to against his way because my way and thought are not considered.

In Sum
By the way, it is very important to mention that our anniversary is mother in law's birthday. So, I shift idea to her birthday celebration from our anniversary. It does not mean we cannot celebrate the both but I do not emphasis on "anniversary"
It is not perfect solution to what I mentioned but this is the best what I can do now. It is very important for me as well. 
So let's celebrate a birthday :)

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