Tuesday, October 27, 2015

No farewell

I still could not describe the event because he disappeared without any farewell message to us.

It was in the beginning of September. My big brother A (by the way, I call him as brother. It doesn't mean my brother in Japan. I feel he is one of my brothers/sisters in the Philippines.) sent me a text message which delivered the very shocking news.

Another "brother O" whom I has been working with has passed away. I do not like to use the word but it is general term to explain for the "event".

It took me some time to understand and believe the message, even though it had clearly stated there.

Later in the same week, comments and messages on his Facebook account was full of appriciations, which made me believe and accept that we won't be able to find him in the Earth any more.

Shortly after the news,  I got dengue.

There was no connection between dengue and the news. It was also the time I accepted that my husband was going abroad for at least a year.

While I was suffering from Dengue, the message was turning around inside me. First I imagined, how was his last day...were there his family and close friends around? Did he experience pain? But these imaginations was quickly away from me.

I assumed that I will work with him for peace until both of us get old and experience difficult to walk or hear. I may see him in the any gathering for peace, or conference...organize the workshop together..since I arrived here in the Philippines, 2006.

I started to recall his memories, how he lived.

He shared something very Spiritual. But these spirituality is not dogmatic. It was something easy to accept and make me feel that it is part of me. I was away from these Spiritual or Faith related stuff, but he taught indirect way importance of this.

He was also forced to be the listener of my stories and concerns. I still remembered his face which was somehow not knowing how to react.

What I admired about him was his calmness and inner peace. It seems air around him was soft.

I imagine he is at peace. But I cannot imagine he is looking down from the heaven or somewhere higher. Once I see the mountain, I can see him there and he is meditating there.

That is very strange feeling. It might be my desire that he won't be far away from us. But it is also very Brother O.

No farewell, that's just like him.
And I could hear "relax, it would be ok"

1 comment:

  1. And so this journal entry has drawn mixed thoughts and emotions in me. I can feel your sadness, grief, apprehension, hurt, and confusion. Nonetheless, I also feel your love for your husband and this distantly shimmering hope that everything will be alright between you at the end of the day.

    As it is, this entry has given me another narrative over the triumphs and challenges of being in an interracial and long distance relationship.

    If ever I have read and understood it correctly, the two of you just drifted apart. Yes, you have been physically near with each other but still you have been apart, like the proverbial divide that involves being disconnected in inner thoughts, emotional expression, self-actualization, and the likes. Quite sad given that the two of you must have invested and sacrificed a lot for your marriage.

    I wonder what happened next. You no longer have entries after this. I just hope that you and your husband have made amends and are back in each other's arms.

    I hope so.